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Every morning when sit down at the ole
computer and go to check my email I know two things will happen. (1) I
won't have received any new sign-ups in any of the hundreds of affiliate
programs that 'guaranteed' me a massive downline and (2) I will have at
least 30 emails that are unsolicited or SPAM.
As an experienced 'Interneter' (definition: One who spends way too much
time on the internet) I know that the lack of sign-ups may change. One
morning I may awaken to 30 new affiliates in each of my programs. Or at
least that's what my guru friends keep telling me... The SPAM however, 'ain't
goin' nowhere.' It's just become a fact of internet life. 'He Who Hath
Email, Will Get SPAM.'
I personally use the Delete-It-And-Forget-About-It Method to deal with
SPAM. This time tested method has three basic steps:
1. Select the 'suspected' spam email (Note: I use the term suspected
because according the Internet Law Code Title 12 Chapter 15 Subtitle 3
'All spam is innocent until proven guilty by a jury of it's peers, or
until it emails a virus to your whole address book.)'
2. Hit the 'Delete' button
3. Move on to the next email
This highly complicated method for dealing with SPAM is not, I have found,
for everyone. There are some people who feel that this method lets
spammers off too easily. These are people who feel very strongly about
SPAM. They don't just dislike SPAM, they DESPISE it. I'm talking about the
kind of people who, judging by their actions, must be allergic to SPAM.
These kind of people prefer the
I'm-Going-To-Get-You-If-It's-The-Last-Thing-I-Do-Online Method. This
method involves any or all of the following steps:
1. Quitting your day job so you can have more time to write nasty replies
to all the emails that you get that you don't remember requesting.
2. Doing an exhaustive 30 hour online search for a suspected spammers IP
address so you can report them to their ISP. And their hosting services.
And their mother.
4. Attempting to get in touch with Tom Ridge, newly appointed Director of
Homeland Security, because you think spamming is a form of terrorism.
5. Showing up at suspected spammers front door at 3 AM wielding an AK-47
assault rifle and wearing only WWJD bandana and a mousepad, and shouting,
"If I want Spam I'll buy a can" between gunshots.
However you deal with SPAM is of course your business. I, by nature, am a
passive person (by passive I mean lazy) so SPAM doesn't usually annoy me
to the point where I feel the need to take action. I will admit that
occasionally though SPAM does get me a little angry. Like when I open my
inbox and see that of the 25 unread emails I have, 20 have subject lines
like:
* Let Me Show You How To Make An Extra $5000 An Hour Selling Squid!
* Hot Blonde Men Want You!
* Congratulations You've Won An All Expense Paid Trip To Uzbekistan
* Do You Know What You're Children Are Doing Online? (A quick note to all
spammers: If you are going to illegally fill my inbox with SPAM at least
be kind enough to send me something that might interest me. SPAM about
children does not interest me in the slightest bit seeing as I have none.
And if I did have kids I wouldn't care what they did online as long as
they stayed quiet and left me alone. Thanks.
* Become A Catholic Priest In Two Short Weeks
* Here Is The Information You Requested On Llama Breeding
These are just a sample of some of the subject lines that I have seen in
my inbox. I assume they were SPAM since I don't remember every requesting
any information about any of those subjects. Although the one about
selling squid did seem interesting. Which brings me to a question. If you
know that an email is SPAM but the subject line is just sooo darn catchy,
is it wrong to open the email? Do I become an accessory to spamming? Am I
aiding and abetting known spammers? I sure hope not because truthfully
every now and then I open an email that I know is SPAM just to see what
it's about. It's just that some of those spammers have gotten so good with
their subject lines that I just can't help myself. For instance I'm GOING
to open emails with subject lines like:
* Free Fried Chicken For Life
* Fast Hemorrhoid Relief
* Drink ALL You Want And Never Get Drunk
* Drew Barrymore and Tara Banks Want To Meet You (Another quick note to
spammers: If you were the online law breaker who sent me the unsolicited
email about Drew and Tara could you please send it to me again. I think I
accidentally deleted it. Thanks. P.S. If you have anything about Angelina
Jolie send that too.)
* Even Faster Hemorrhoid Relief
* Stop Premature Balding
* Legally Get Back All The Money You've Ever Blown On Women
There are some of you who probably think it's deplorable that I admit to
reading emails that I know are SPAM. You probably think that people like
me are the reason spammers keep spamming. You probably think I'm just as
bad as the spammers. You're probably trying to figure out who my ISP is at
this very moment so you can report me. All I can say in my defense is: I'm
only human. And I only do it on weekends.
In conclusion, even though I've poked fun at anti-spammers in this
article, I do feel that spamming is wrong and illegal. My purpose in
writing this article was just to bring a little humor to the otherwise
ever-so-serious SPAM table. Whether you're an avid anti-spammer and a
card-carrying member of the Coalition Against Unsolicited Commercial Email
or a lazy Delete-It-And-Forget-About-It slacker like me, you'll probably
agree that spammers need to stopped. Anyone caught spamming should be
punished. And I know the ideal punishment. They should be forced to clean
my house and keep my llamas fed while I'm on my 2 month vacation in
Uzbekistan with Drew Barrymore, eating fried chicken-hemorrhoid free.
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