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I'm poor. And I'm not ashamed of it. Actually, I'm kind
of proud of myself for being poor. It's an accomplishment that many people
will never attain. Some people will go through their whole life and never
know what it's like to experience some of the finer points of poverty like
eating ramon noodles for breakfast, lunch, and dinner 5 days a week. My
heart goes out to these types of people. The Fourtunate Ones. People
who've always had electricity, nice cars, and proper clothing.
I wasn't always poor. I had to work hard at it. I had to quit several jobs
without finding new ones. I had to spend 75% of my paycheck at the bar
when I knew my bills would have easily taken 90%. I had to max out credit
cards and never pay on them. I had to give money to females that I knew
would never pay it back. And most importantly I had to move to a small
town where $6.00 and hour is considered 'good money'.
I didn't know that I was putting myself in line for poverty while I was
doing all these things. I just woke up one day and realized that I
couldn't pay my car note because I only had 11 cents in the bank. And
that's when it hit me: I'm POOR! It took me 25 long years but I finally
nose-dived below the poverty line. I was now in the same category as the
homeless and welfare recipients. No more was I hindered by riches. I had
shed that lifestyle. I got up and fixed myself a mayonaisse sandwich to
celebrate. Delicious!
As a poor person I am entitled to certain privledges to which the
well-to-do won't every be privy. I decide haved to list a few:
- Instead of lugging around a wallet full of heavy dollar bills I now pay
for important purchases like gasoline and food with spare change that I
scavenge up around the house.
- I get to shop at stores with improperly spelled titles like Sav-A-Lot,
Thrif-Ti-Mart, and DisKount King. These stores offer a wide variety of
out-dated, slightly damaged merchandise that Wal-Mart shoppers can only
dream of.
- I get to drool at resturant commercials on TV because I know I will
never be able to afford meals like that again unless a rich relative dies
- I get to wear my friend's hand-me-down clothes and shoes. This means
that I rarely match and my feet ache constantly from wearing shoes that
are three sizes too small.
- I get to freely engage in the offical sports of the National Poor
People's Association: begging and borrowing.
- I get to go to bed every night with the comforting thought that if I
ever do meet Ms.Right I can't afford to date her.
I'll stop there because I see the envy rising to dangerous levels in a few
reader's eyes. These readers probably have steady jobs and nice homes or
apartments. Their bills are probably caught up. They probably have an
immense wardrobe with properly sized shoes. Their bank account probably
never drops below $5,000. I apologize to these readers if my boasting
about my impoverished condition has made them feel inferior and totally
removed any self-esteem they may have had left. All I can say is that I
never meant to be poor. I was just in the right places at the right times.
Maybe one day all of you will find yourselves on the Road to Rags as well.
Until then you can check in with me if you want to know what it's like.
I'll be the guy on the side of the interstate off-ramp with the 'Will Work
For Food' sign. Pull your Mercedes right up and ask me anything. I promise
I won't laugh...
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